It's the seemingly harmless things that will nab you. It's not the lingering memoirs of what had happened in the past, but the swift glint of what is happening to you. It's that savage, desolating, tormenting thing that keeps afloat in the atmosphere; much like how JK Rowling described dementors, a soul-sucking demon that keeps wandering within your perimeters. Waiting until you are unconsciously vulnerable so it can graze your wound, waiting for that chance to give you that kiss of spiritual death. You don't want to, but you will get a waft of your denied reality thru meaningless statements and senseless claims. You feel like it has the capability to throw you hard until you smash your face down the floor, keep you held down, until you convince yourself that it is your new utopia. It lets you settle for second best, and just for the sake of feeling something you console yourself, believing the worst is over. And the moment you do, things will just get worse.
You're not sulking in the stream of denial. You have accepted it, but you refuse to stay drowned. Yet that thing wants to shatter what's left of you. It wants to drift you far away from your new-found seventh heaven, leading you to the prison with locks made from your afflicting sadness, whose guards are your unconquered fears. You just want to get away, but you can't. You simply can't. You start kneeling down, sit on one corner, idle. The next thing you knew, you just hit rock bottom and you can't get back up again because something's pulling you farther down, if that's even possible.
Or so you thought.
That thing does not have the power to hold you, nonetheless pull you down. It didn't drag you to the rock bottom. That's simply the place where you hid, thinking there's no other way but down that black hole. It may come in constant flashes, may keep you struggling to stand back up, but it can never hold you down. You are holding yourself down.
This bedrock is a place we've created for our coward, little selves when we get tired of fighting. We subconsciously make it up because we secretly want to be saved, we want redemption. We fall apart not because things are tearing us apart, but because we are always trying to demoralize ourselves. Guilty of the same strange ways, I guess I just enjoyed the thought of being able to bounce back up all in one piece. And once you abandon that sickening place, that thing you once thought strangled you will be contained inside your clenched fist. You will use it as the key to what's locking you down, and see it burst into flames shortly after. It will never be seen ever again, but you may hear its nonexistent footsteps everytime you feel the need for redemption. But there will be no chains, no locks, and no prison. Just the slight burn it caused you when it burst, but it will not hurt. But what if apparently, that hurt is the only thing that's holding you up? That without it, you'll just sink into non-existence?
Maybe pain is a lie; we say we're hurt when we get tired of the battle. Maybe it's what's left to account all the bullshit for. But then again, what if it's not?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Ako nang inlove. Bow.
The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It's when you have more playful moments than serious moments. It's when you can joke around, let each other have piggybacks, have unexpected hugs, and random kisses. It's when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It's when you'll rather chill inside to watch movies,eat junk food, and cuddle than go out all the time. It's when you'll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It's when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are.
The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It's when you have more playful moments than serious moments. It's when you can joke around, let each other have piggybacks, have unexpected hugs, and random kisses. It's when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It's when you'll rather chill inside to watch movies,eat junk food, and cuddle than go out all the time. It's when you'll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It's when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Amen
| God let me be his last first kiss. And from this day forward, his one and only. Thank you. Amen! |
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Why?
Because there's no reason not to. I cannot pin a substantial reason for me to hold back and snap out of the overwhelming emotions I am drowned in. Every cell in your being is nothing less than lovable.
Because I love how your eyes convey everything, yet they leave me clueless at how blessed can I possibly get to have those pair of eyes look at me. Your stare is warm yet piercing, as if it can get past through my vulnerability with just one look.
Because where you are is where my comfort zone is. I used to want to puke everytime people would try to explain that feeling of safety they have from someone because I haven't got a clue what it really meant. Now, I assume it's that feeling of being invincible to any kind of danger; that feeling when I know I can fall asleep while watching our favorite TV show and not worry if I'll get cold later on that night because I know you'll wrap a blanket around me. I usually feel fragile and as if I can break any minute considering how harsh the world is, but when I'm with you it's like I start being invincible again. If that's not what having that safe feeling means, then I don't know what else to account it for.
Because what I feel for you is probably what obsession means. When I was younger, I thought being obsessed means you love someone. I thought that if I start obsessing over someone, it also meant I'm starting to fall in love with that person. I thought obsession was just a phase, something a fan girl would feel for their favorite artist which leads them to saving their nicest photographs, and keeping all the memorabilia they can gather no matter how seemingly insignificant they were. It's crazy to think that right now my love and obsession is on the same page, working hand in hand. The obsession I feel, although erratic, makes me love you in a more permanent, stable way.
Because you are my best friend. I don't really get why some people hesitate to refer to their partners as their best friend. We both have our different sets of friends, we love them too but they belong to a different realm. I know we need those platonic friendships to be fulfilled, and since you're the best friend I have I need you more so I can be more fulfilled. (Okay, I'm starting to sound too needy) =))
Because we fight. We sometimes fight, but not because I want to prove myself right nor because you want to prove that you're on the right side of things. We fight and argue to make things better; because we see something that's dysfunctional and want to fix it before it makes more damage. We have some disagreements but all of them just proved that what we have can surpass any resentments.
Because you're harsh with me but you show how much you're willing to give up to make me feel better. I can't say that we have mastered the art of compromise, but I think we're on lvl99! You made me realize that a big part of being in a relationship means giving up control, and letting go of my brat tendencies. You're fine being unhappy about us watching that corny Tagalog movie, as long as you see me happy and you get to see Christine Reyes and Ann Curtis in their bikinis.
Because you made me write about these things. Can't you see what you're making me do? I'm behaving like a complete head-over-heels idiot but I don't give a shit about it. What we have is a reminder of how I can forget being self-conscious all the time. I can be a total bitch or a poor sappy girl, and not have it taken against me.
Because I can just use that "I'M SO IN LOVE" card and just have you at the receiving end, appreciating everything I'm saying -- no hesitations, no doubts, no questions.
Because I can tell you that I love you any time I want to, and you wouldn't even bother asking me why. And that is why I wrote this blog -- because I think you ought to know. You ought to know how blessed I feel for knowing someone gets me, sees all of me, and still takes all the crap. It's like buying something from the shop and taking it despite the cracks and dents, shouting a higher price to outbid the other takers. Then there, SOLD.
Because I love how your eyes convey everything, yet they leave me clueless at how blessed can I possibly get to have those pair of eyes look at me. Your stare is warm yet piercing, as if it can get past through my vulnerability with just one look.
Because where you are is where my comfort zone is. I used to want to puke everytime people would try to explain that feeling of safety they have from someone because I haven't got a clue what it really meant. Now, I assume it's that feeling of being invincible to any kind of danger; that feeling when I know I can fall asleep while watching our favorite TV show and not worry if I'll get cold later on that night because I know you'll wrap a blanket around me. I usually feel fragile and as if I can break any minute considering how harsh the world is, but when I'm with you it's like I start being invincible again. If that's not what having that safe feeling means, then I don't know what else to account it for.
Because what I feel for you is probably what obsession means. When I was younger, I thought being obsessed means you love someone. I thought that if I start obsessing over someone, it also meant I'm starting to fall in love with that person. I thought obsession was just a phase, something a fan girl would feel for their favorite artist which leads them to saving their nicest photographs, and keeping all the memorabilia they can gather no matter how seemingly insignificant they were. It's crazy to think that right now my love and obsession is on the same page, working hand in hand. The obsession I feel, although erratic, makes me love you in a more permanent, stable way.
Because you are my best friend. I don't really get why some people hesitate to refer to their partners as their best friend. We both have our different sets of friends, we love them too but they belong to a different realm. I know we need those platonic friendships to be fulfilled, and since you're the best friend I have I need you more so I can be more fulfilled. (Okay, I'm starting to sound too needy) =))
Because we fight. We sometimes fight, but not because I want to prove myself right nor because you want to prove that you're on the right side of things. We fight and argue to make things better; because we see something that's dysfunctional and want to fix it before it makes more damage. We have some disagreements but all of them just proved that what we have can surpass any resentments.
Because you're harsh with me but you show how much you're willing to give up to make me feel better. I can't say that we have mastered the art of compromise, but I think we're on lvl99! You made me realize that a big part of being in a relationship means giving up control, and letting go of my brat tendencies. You're fine being unhappy about us watching that corny Tagalog movie, as long as you see me happy and you get to see Christine Reyes and Ann Curtis in their bikinis.
Because you made me write about these things. Can't you see what you're making me do? I'm behaving like a complete head-over-heels idiot but I don't give a shit about it. What we have is a reminder of how I can forget being self-conscious all the time. I can be a total bitch or a poor sappy girl, and not have it taken against me.
Because I can just use that "I'M SO IN LOVE" card and just have you at the receiving end, appreciating everything I'm saying -- no hesitations, no doubts, no questions.
Because I can tell you that I love you any time I want to, and you wouldn't even bother asking me why. And that is why I wrote this blog -- because I think you ought to know. You ought to know how blessed I feel for knowing someone gets me, sees all of me, and still takes all the crap. It's like buying something from the shop and taking it despite the cracks and dents, shouting a higher price to outbid the other takers. Then there, SOLD.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Playing With Lights
Played with my camera, some Christmas lights, and some stuff I found at home. #bored
75 Wonderful Years
This day marks the 75th year of existence of my favorite grandfather. I cannot utter anything but gratitude to God for allowing him to enjoy 75 years of his life without any sickness or complications with his health, and he's still as strong as ever. He's one of the coolest, hippest gramps anyone could ever have. I love you, Wowo! :)