Just like how David Sedaris Puts It

Me Talk Pretty One Day

• "When shit brings you down, just say ‘fuck it’, and eat yourself some motherfucking candy."
• "But that’s what fantasies are for; they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top."
  
• "We lacked the ability to think for ourselves and resented having to admit it."
  
• "If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever."
  
• "At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me."
  

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

• "Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive."
  
• "Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you’re in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can’t be thought of as cute."
  
• "Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto"
  
• "Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently, and it was like, ‘Yikes! What the hell happened?’ The answer, of course, is life..stuff comes up. Weird doors open. People fall into things."
  

I'm currently reading Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and came across this:

“I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.”

...because I've never felt more lonely.

I'll Get There

I read somewhere that the past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased... it can only be accepted.

It's true that what happened in the past cannot be altered or be completely erased but after sometime, it can start to mean less, and hopefully be forgotten. For some, forgetting can come easily but unfortunately some people dwell on it a little longer than usual. It's heartbreaking to realize I am someone who lets the past linger on for a while. Based on my experience, forgetting comes after acceptance. I've tried, in every sense of the word, to understand and process things. One thing I may be doing wrong is resisting it; suppressing every hint of emotion that coincides with the past which is probably the reason why things keep resurfacing in my head. And since it will be very unfair to go around blaming people for my misery, I tend to keep everything inside. I don't want to be regarded as the bitter, weaker one. Unfortunately, things pop up in my head and makes me think how stupid I was and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be, and how easily shaken my core is. Since it succumbs me in a demeaning yet very subtle way, even I don't recognize how affected I still am. Until times like this occur. Times when I start questioning the things I believe in, wondering if I got the facts right or I'm still drowned in deceit. But my friend was right when she told me that I should not let things that I have no control of bother me. Sure she's right, but it's just that there are days when I don't feel brave enough to ACCEPT that things happen beyond my control. Maybe it's because of my stupid pride or because something inside me died that day. Whatever that is, I know I can understand, accept, and overcome it. I just need a little bit more time. :)

Accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others. -- Tuesdays with Morrie #notetoself

OH. FUCK.

Appreciate, Acknowledge, and Be Grateful

I think at one point in our lives, we meet people and know right there and then that they are destined to be a part of your life. For whatever reason, and through seemingly bizarre ways, they can affect your life in a very remarkable way -- maybe to help you sort your life out; to give you significant realizations; or to help you be the best person you can possibly be. That goes to show that everyone we meet, even a stranger, can make a huge impact in our lives.

But how exactly can we be thankful to those people who caused us pain and misery? That invariable hurt can make us neglect all the possible lessons we can learn from the heartache, the disappointment, and the horrible exprience. But if you look closely, you will realize that if it weren't for them, you would have never reached your full potential, measured how strong you really are, and how much of life's setback you can handle. It's only upon the realization that things happen to benchmark your limits and stretch your soul's capability to triumph that you can find joy over your mishaps. Here's how a line from Bob Dylan's song puts it:

"Behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain." 

In my own take, perhaps the bitter things are the most piercing but makes the biggest impact in our lives. Everything in this world can be learned from -- both our victories and downfalls. Without the harsh things we experience, we can never truly appreciate the good things that are coming our way.

So if someone betrayed you, forgive them for they have taught you a valuable lesson about trust. If someone crashed your heart to pieces, be thankful for you have learned how to guard your heart. If someone hurts you, forgive them for they made you realize how strong you really are. The pain and the battlescars will eventually set off as a reminder of how well you fought.

If you know someone trusts you, be thankful because they are teaching you how to live your life upright. If someone loves you, be thankful because they are teaching you how to let someone in and they are opening up your eyes to the things unseen. If someone makes you happy, be thankful because they make you appreciate the beauty of life a little bit more. The joy and bliss can help you nurse the pain drawn to you, and they will serve as a reminder that life is worth fighting for.

So appreciate every little things in life, and acknowledge the unique experiences people give you. Be open to all the possibilities, all the heartbreaks, and all the lessons. Above everything else, just be thankful. PERIOD.

Delusions

So last night, there I was, giving out love and relationship advices I didn't even know that I know.  Even I am surprised to hear myself talk to them about how to not just make a relationship last, but how to not let it end.

I remember telling them that to keep the relationship and stick to your commitment, both should be delusional. Delusional in a sense that they won't let the insignificant things taint the relationship, nor be a threat to end it. They argued with me at how being too delusional can lead you to eventually fooling yourself. I didn't mean it that way. I refer to delusions as just remembering what you loved in that person so at the time when changes start to paint in, the love you have for them won't be drawn out of the picture. It's really just a matter of believing that buried deep inside that whole new being is the same person you adore.

Another thing I had to emphasize is the importance of lowering down their expectations. I didn't say "settle for second best and just live with what's right in front of you", I simply wanted them to stick closely to reality. It's because I think that wanting something (or someone for that matter) desperately or hoping for it relentlessly can put their lives in a trance. When we expect too much and live within those expectations, we tend to conceive something more than what reality can provide. It's not so wise to dwell in fantasy because real people don't exist in fantasies. And these fantasies can, in turn, beseech for us the impossibilities we can't handle if we're drowned in our expectations. The world condemns such irrational frivolity through disappointments.

Combining delusions with lowered expectations can get tricky, but that's how it works (in my opinion). So I think the secret lies on knowing when to forget things, and when to not notice them in the first place. Sometimes, you have to fool yourself, because otherwise you will just be fooling yourself that you're trying to make things work. It's one thing to keep the commitment because you love each other, and another to keep the commitment DESPITE anything. I believe that a relationship fails not because unfavorable things happen, but because someone stopped trying to make it work. Remember: It takes two to tango.

Luckily for me, our relationship works because (1) we both want to make it work, (2) there are no inhibitions whatsoever, and (3) we're awesome like that. LOL. Just kidding. But yeah, we're awesome :))))) 

The Perfect World Does Exist

Last night was nothing extraordinary, except it was anything but ordinary. For me, at least. It happened when I, together with two of my officemates, grabbed a couple of beers before heading home. I guess it's predictable how our talks would turn out so I expected it will all be about work stuff and some personal things that might be bothering us. I'm not sure how we got to that point but we ended up talking about our personal lives with so much interest, passion, and enthusiasm.

You see, both of them are currently single but they had their share of fucked up relationships too. I actually had a hard time trying to talk the bitterness out of them since they concluded I can only see the good side of things because, like what one of them said, "you are in the perfect world".

To make them listen to me, I had to convince them otherwise and let my issues out. So I told them how uncomfortable I am that I'm feeling down whenever my boyfriend isn't around. I hate how needy I am and how overly-dependent I am turning out. I explained that no matter how great my day was, when I don't get to be with him at night to tell him how my day went, I get cranky; and that when my day is all fucked up, just the mere sight of him can make every bad thing that happened that day seem insignificant. I didn't mean to sound so cheesy and inlove, but I guess that's how they heard it. They even told me how that is what's supposed to happen "in the perfect world". So still, they won't take my crap. They deem me as someone who is not in the position to tell them that relationships are really terrifying, because they don't see me struggle. I just wanted to let them know that although it can scare the shit out of you, relationships are worth every little crappy thing you give up to keep it.

After hours of babbling, I got exhausted trying to get some positivity in their heads. But somehow, it felt good. It felt good knowing that I can finally tell people how wonderful it is to be in a relationship, like there's nothing to be afraid of. Perhaps I'm just really blessed to be talking about these things but last night was a very liberating experience for me. I'm not saying that I am in a perfect relationship because perhaps on how the world interprets a "perfect relationship", we may be far from that.

But as far as I'm concerned, in my own personal standards, I am in my happy place and that even things suck up sometimes, this is still my "perfect world". So on my way home, I can't help but smile. I am overflowing with that joy of knowing how blessed I am; of how things couldn't get any better than this; of how every relationship I pursued in the past could never ever compare to what I have right now; of how finally, I'm with that person tailor-made for me.

Subsumed in ruthless certainties and obscure fallacies,
She knows things she can never transgress nor ever surmise
Yet unwilling to stick to the quintessential and continuous,
She refuses to retreat from the perils of what is suspicious

Straying away from truths born out of antecedental expectations,
She enjoys the chaos, perplexities, and digressions
Not a mere perceiver of realities nor a spectator of absolutes,
She bares her own truths then finds her own verities