Unravel Me – Part I.

For the past nineteen years that I have lived, there were many aspects of my life that I unconsciously built. There are hobbies, interests, relationships of all sorts, and the like. Little did I notice that these things had their adverse effects in my life – inch by inch defining who I am and what I’ll become. Here, I’ll let you open me up. Unravel my thoughts and discern what’s behind my hard-shell.

Being a first born, I was led to make decisions on my own; not worrying if others would be affected by it because I thought people would have to conform to my standards. I practiced that thought for a decade because we had maids who took care of me and somehow, I can always take control of them. So at the time I barely existed for a decade, I felt like the world’s something I get to hold in my hands. The thought of that has been instilled on my mind because at the time I was growing up, I was my Daddy’s little girl who always gets her way. ALWAYS. Ironically, at the time I was in my late Elementary days up until my HighSchool days, I was caught in between being the “grown-up” and being the “baby”. Everyone from our class knew that I was a couple of years younger than they are so they treat me like a little child. I never wanted to be treated my way so I think I had to step up. That’s the case when I’m in school. But when I get home, they treat me like I’m someone old enough to make wise decisions and that I should look after my little brothers. I was confused! Now, things are different. I have to give way to my little brothers’ needs and learn how not to focus solely on the things I thought I needed. I know that you get my point. If you think I’m pertaining to material things, sorry to burst your bubbles but you’re wrong this time. Things are not always about the superficial and tangible things in the world.

As I was growing older, I have met several new people and made tons of friends. Hopping from one place to another meant transferring to different schools. And it is in school that I get to meet people who eventually turned out to be my best buds, pals, friends, or whatever you may want to call them. As a friend, I want to be someone they can count on – bad or good. Happy times or tough times, I want to be someone who’s always there for them. I never wanted to be someone else’s burden. I think that’s when I confuse people. Now I know that being a real friend means sharing your entirety to one another. That’s sort of a big deal for me. It’s not always and to everyone that I open myself up. There are issues, events, and emotions that I choose to share with a handful of people. It’s hard opening up to others. I actually feel a certain pressure when someone chooses to open up his/her life to me because I feel obliged to do the same – and when I fail to do that, they’d think I wasn’t giving our friendship a chance or that I neglect what we have. It’s just that this is how I am. I throw my emotions down the line to certain people I used to share my frustrations with. Everyone knows when I’m happy but not everyone gets to figure out what’s on when I’m in a mishap.

Now you know what’s behind me acting up like a real grown up and a fragile little baby at the same time – being a spoiled brat and a giver – acting bitchy and sweet. And I hope I have provided you with the reason why I don’t just open myself to all my friends. I am sort of protective of my own thoughts and emotions.