The Serenity of Being in A Relationship

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I know that blogging about being in a relationship looks as though I have nothing else going on in my life aside from it. But in my defense, let me just say that I only blog about the big leagues. So I relatively, I can proudly say that at this point in my life this relationship is the best thing that I have. The main reason why I can't juggle one too many things in my life is because I've been gladly spending quality time with someone. I usually can't show up on night-outs and dinners with friends because I am too busy curling up bed and watching my favorite TV series with him. You can take it against me, and I wouldn't care a bit. Some people question how we've been spending too much time together, and all my stubborn head tells me is that you can never get enough of a good thing.

I am feeling blessed to be doing the routines of being in a relationship. You know those things that usually seem like household chores only you do it out of love, and not just because you are asked to? Those are the exact same things that single people miss when they're out there in the playing field. And every day that I am given that chance to do my "girlfriend duties" implies that I have yet another day to spend with the person who means a lot to me. I cherish the intimacy that goes along with a relationship. It's like having someone around when there's an act you want to catch and a movie you want to see without having to convince your friends why you want to see that. It's having that person who knows your schedule and knows how to squeeze themselves into it. Always having someone who is more than willing to share your grief and gives you that comforting hug when you need it the most. There's the comfort in having someone whom I can hold for however long I wish to where no one feels awkward, and you feel that there's nothing better to do than hold him and you end up forgetting why you needed that hug in the first place. I love being deliriously happy about the thought of seeing him during office hours, and how a smile is automatically painted on my face as I see him stand outside that convenience store we marked as our meetup place.

All these and more made me appreciate the serenity of being in a relationship. When although a lot of challenges are brought about by committing, it is much better than having apprehensions of being single. Right now, my mind is conditioned into that state of contentment -- the thought that things can probably get better, but you already know what you have is the best thing there is and anything beyond that is a myth.

She Used to Be So Sunny

I used to be that sunny, always-grinning-from-ear-to-ear girl. I wonder where that girl is right now. Maybe she got tired of having her brain beat her hopes down every chance it gets. I used to be a loving, trusting, and optimistic person whom people loved having around because of my insightful, positive thoughts. Now I feel like I'm just plain of hateful, doubtful, and pessimistic. I don't like it, not even a tiny bit. Every day seems like an unending battle with my head, and I had to fight with myself to get the happiness I deserve. I don't deserve this misery, and I am not allowing myself to go through such emotional torture. So I guess I need to find a way to refute the claims of my negative inner dialog, never mind the negative thoughts, and let slip the awful past that keeps resurfacing in my head.


[update] I think I know where all these are coming from. I'm not sure if this is just me being shallow, but that unfortunate event from 6 months ago still shatters me, and turned me into this doubtful person I despise being. I still feel extremely violated and cheated and mistreated. Why do I have to go through this? Why am I still hurting? Why does it still feel like my heart is being pinched? WHY?! [/update]

I think telling someone "you disappointed me" is a more polite way of saying "you messed up and left me all fucked up"

It's not everyday that you find someone who can totally turn your world upside down. It's truly a blessing to have someone whom you can tell everything to – share stories you kept mum about with other person; someone who hears all your stories, absorbs every word you say and daresay want to hear more. You take time sharing your hopes for things out of sight, irreparable aspirations, goals seemingly beyond the bounds of possibility, and the whole bunch of crap life threw at you.

When something awful or phenomenal happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, because you know they will piece up with your demise or share your happiness. They are not ashamed to laugh with you every time you manage to make a fool out of yourself. Never do they aim to hurt your feelings or make you feel inferior, but instead they boost your morale and open up your eyes to the things about yourself that make you nothing short of special and beautiful. You don't have to make things up because they adore you for everything you are, and for everything you are not. Some stuff that seem petty to most people like a simple conversation, a love song, or a stupid joke becomes a prized memory you keep in the corners of your heart.

You feel like you're being transported back to your childhood because you're with that person who makes you feel like a child all over again and lets you see the world in a more saturated view where colors are more vivid, and the sun shines brighter than usual. You feel like there's no possible way to express the joy you feel, and happiness seems to be a usual state-of-being where before it only existed in the farthest tunnels of your mind. A simple SMS and a phone call during the day can help you get through an unbearable day at work.

You can finally embrace quietness without the fear of solace, with no need for constant babbling, because you find comfort and contentedness by simply having them around. There is no hint of pressure, not a dab of jealousy but only pure calmness. Things that you don't give a crap about suddenly seems interesting because you know how important it is to that person. Simple, day-to-day things can remind you of them and not even your closest friends can understand why.

You expose your emotions and open your heart out knowing it's possible that it may be trampled on any minute. But in letting yourself be vulnerable, you are letting yourself experience a joy you never dreamed possible given all the probable heartache. Then you'll realize that the only way to let your life be filled with real pleasure is to be completely vulnerable. You'll start to embrace the good kind of scare, including the good things that come with it.

If you happen to find that person, be thankful. Be thankful that they let you experience love, and all the good things that come with it.


Filled with Love and Gratitude,
IYA

:(

I despise myself right now, really. I can't believe I'm turning into someone I couldn't even bear being. That's the last time I'll let other suffer for my own comfort. I've been asking too many favors and have been overly demanding. I don't like being such a heavy burden. :(